As pool of turmoil churns like magma inside a volcano. I struggle constantly to contain this nagging sense of doom and inner rage that seem to intensify as I grow older. I thought I knew its origins, believed I had a fundamental understanding of the events that had nurtured it over the course of my life, and I’d attempted to take steps – many steps – in a sustained and determined effort to diffuse it, but still it remains.
Most often, the rage manifests itself in the form of nightmares – vivid, violent scenes that cause me to wake up screaming and sweating. Worst of all, they cause me to fear sleep, to avoid it at both a conscious and subconscious level, and the resulting deprivation inevitably results in exhaustion, follows by restless, involuntary sleep, and even more nightmares. Occasionally, if enough pressure is brought to bear, the psychic magma spills over the sides of my inner volcano into molten lava and I lash out, sometimes verbally, sometimes physically. It is as if I have suddenly become some type of feral being, undomesticated and violent, and I focus my rage upon whatever, or whomever, have caused the internal pressure to rise to the boiling point.
Whenever it happens, whenever I allow the demons from the past to gain the upper hand, I wind turn, and wait for things to be alright. As the cliché goes, everything will be alright in the end, if it aint, it's not yet the end.