I strove with none, for none was worth my strife:
Nature I loved, and, next to Nature, Art:
I warm’d both hands before the fire of Life;
It sinks; and I am ready to depart.
Walter Savage Landor
''Life's a helluva lot easier to bear when you could forget,'' I exclaim as I lie on a beach staring at a pale moon pendent in a dark, starless sky. I can taste the salt from the ocean spray as waves chase each other on the flat beach.
Countless thoughts are buzzing around in my mind, and I want to swat them away. In moments like this, these thoughts grow so large in my mind that they seem to suffocate themselves, and then I get so confused that I cannot do anything. But tonight, the seemingly forlorn moon comes to my rescue, it catches my attention, and makes me wonder where all the stars have gone? Had there been stars, I would have wondered which of the countless millions of stars is truly the one that delivers wishes.
Ain't it cruel that just when you think you have hit rock bottom, the ground opens up again? It doesn't take reading Marcus Aurelius to know that everything I did made everything different, and if I dwelled on it, I’d go nuts.
Every so often I go off like a cherry bomb. It takes days to put the pieces back together. I feel like I’m haunted, or maybe like I’m a ghost. The feeling fades, but never quickly. But, that’s what life is all about: getting knocked down, and pulling yourself back up again. Though, one way or another all journeys are circular. We never arrive anywhere that we haven’t been before. But, Sometimes, the world seems bleak as hell and you don't have a clue how to figure things out.
Once I heard a remarkable man say, 'Everybody is running away from something. We, somehow, are persuaded by a false belief that if we run fast and hard enough, we might somehow escape our past or our present, that we might even somehow escape ourselves.'
'Strange notion,' was my thought but now it makes perfect sense to me and makes me realize all over again that the world is not only broken, but beyond fixing. No amount of glue can ever make it right. The world is just broken; that’s all there is to it. You glue together the cracks you can but you don’t let yourself fall through the ones you can’t. Not if you can help it. It won’t do you any good and chances are it won’t do anybody else any good either.
So to run away, I come here to watch the dark sea and the white plumes upon it, to listen to music of waves, to reach out of the random in search of a pattern. I always find a momentary glimpse of the peace out here. What is it about water, I often wonder, that settles the soul?
Perhaps I love the peace of this deserted beach. Perhaps I love these lonely sands, with their vast stretch of sea and sky, and to be away from vile beings. I don’t do anything else but sit there and read, and get lost in my own thoughts. The sea always makes me feel like some detached soul, watching from outside the glass bubble that is my life, filing facts in my mind, filtering them, and coming up with some sort of explanations.
I’m beginning to sound like an editorial that has forgotten the point it wanted to make. But the gist is that in life there are some battles you have to fight even if the odds are insuperable and defeat guaranteed. That's just one of those things you have to learn along the way. They don't teach that in high school..