Subscribe by Email

Monday, November 24, 2014

To cure me of myself..!!

Zak



From this shore, I could walk on and end it all, but something holding me back, something in me screaming, "it's too soon to cross the river..!"
Beneath the moonlit sky, I let out a dejected gasp. Thoughts form and then evaporate. I cannot quite get hold of my mind. Too staggered with emotions, I lie as long as I can without breathing - alone in a strange new land, while the actual world all around me hums on.

It's just dawn on me that I'm becoming increasingly tired of being me. I am a weary company for myself, sometimes. Even I have been a nightmare to myself. That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think. Admittedly, this is no way to live, but it's hard to start a new life when you're still mourning the old one. 

I died too, inside, on that day. And It still feels like yesterday and it's been yesterday for four years. Although I look the same, but I ain't the same as you know, life goes on and all that crap. 
Though occupying my spot in the fathomless human wilderness, sometimes I feel like the last person on earth, so alone and forgotten as though everyone deserted me.

"Nonplussed and strayed" was the observation of an acquaintance a couple of weeks before, when I’d given him a vague account of how very loose I was in the world. It was a world I had never been to and yet had known was there all along, where I staggered too, in sorrow, bewilderment, fear and hope. Always wandering and deviating from the right course. To be lost, to be without a home, to move around aimlessly in search of something I can't figure out.

I know there's no gainsaying the fact that I am on a shaky ground, albeit the flames of my slow-burning angst has disappeared to ashes. However, to cure me of myself ain't an easy task by any mean.... But I'm trying to heal. Trying to get the bad out of my system, so I could be good again. Well, not really good, but, leastways, void of regret.

I have no issues with telling I love listening to the waves as they crash into the curb I lie on, wetting my feet... I know I'm at the end of a line. I can't bear myself any longer. The best may yet to come, but right now, everything feels abandoned and forlorn. From this shore, I could walk on and end it all, but something holding me back, something in me screaming, "it's too soon to cross the river..!"


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Six-word stories: The Art of Brevity

Zaka


"For Sale: baby shoes, never used." Ernest Hemingway



I always think people talk too much, sputter too many words, meaningless in most cases. One doesn't need a lot of words to speak his mind, even a story can be told in a few words - in six - to be precise if I allude to the genre Ernest Hemingway ideated. Since then, Six-word story has sort of become a challenge for writers to come up with their own masterpiece. And popular project like "Six Word Memories(2006)" came into being. In today's world social media especially Twitter and Tumblr took this trend to a whole new level. Here, not just writers but almost everyone dabbles, posting their concise creation to show off their ingenuity.

I'm fond of six-word stories as it is such an art to succinctly tell so profound a tale. I have written a few myself not so good as I'm going to share later in this very blog, worth reading nevertheless.

"Virtual world's bestie, strangers in real."

"Epitaph reads, "She died of heartbrokenness."

"Mind is Stygian, dying for spring."

"Whirlpool of thoughts, nothing to say."

"Prisoner of my own dreaded company."

"Selling eyes for ransom of dreams."

"Pain and I are old acquaintance."

"Unwhole souls of a sentimental society."

"Haunting a graveyard of lost memories."

"Dreams brighten. The vanished world returns..."

"Failed life. Attempted suicide. Failed again."

As I said online world is filled with Six-word stories. Bear in mind, these abridged tales do not fall into one particular genre, or tone, their only analogy being their strict adherence to the mandatory word limit. Notwithstanding, you will find them introspective, poignant, amusing and some downright heartrending.
Check out some creative ones on Twitter, Tumble and other platforms.

“Best friends. Circumstances change. Worst enemies.” - Nikita Bhosle 

“Father taken, hero lost. Forever changed.” -Katherine Henson 

“She loved cigarettes… more than life.” —Maxwell 

“Strangers. Friends. Best friends. Lovers. Strangers.” - POTATOCATS 

“Borrowed book. Spilled coffee. Oh Fuck.” - Rachael 

“Sorry soldier, shoes sold in pairs.” - Independent 

“Male?” “It’s an older driver’s license.” - CraboTheBusmaster 

First sentient robot: “Turn me off.” - pockets1 

“The smallest coffins are the heaviest.” - TheWolfOfWalmart 

“One stunt. Stuck in eternal coma.” - Brandon Animo 

“Checking into a hotel to checkout.” - D. Hermanson 

“Photographer’s last photo remembered: Bull headshot.” - Seablood 

“Penniless weirdo. Struck lottery. Overnight genius.” - Evonne 

“Two wives, one funeral, no tears.” - Desrio 

“Buried in a steel casket. Immortal.” - Gen 

“More money, more bitches, more problems.” - Chi Hy 

“She found him hanging, then followed.” - Maxwell 

“Married. Till fatness do us part.” - Eindal 

“Imagined adulthood. Gained adulthood. Lost Imagination.” - Lesayah 

“One night. Three words. Never returned.” - Tori Mallette 

“Lonely man. Artificial intelligence. Lonely machine.” - McDiver 

“Nothing to declare. Much to remember.” -Vain24 

“Match, made in heaven, ignited hell.” - Joel 

“Relationship expires; leaves a bitter aftertaste.” -Natalie Connors 

“We had everything, except for chemistry.” -Karly 

“Masterpiece… Forgotten… Died… Remembered… Celebrated… Worshiped.” - TheGhantalAadmi 

“I love you too,” she lied.” - Grant 

“One bullet. Ten enemies. Kills himself.” - Xia Chen Hao 

“Excessive virtual life brought real hemorrhoids.” - ant 

“Wrote note. Took pills. Now…wait.” - ygraine Rodgers 

“The only mourner, her pet cat.” - Megha 

“Endless stars. Home is there somewhere.” - Kandinah 

“Hole in heart. Inevitable surgically postponed.” - J A Humm 

“Kidney transplant. “Anyone seen my keys?” - Josh C. 

“Virtual Friends, Best Friends. Meet? Awkward!” - Purva Parmar 

“I’ll wait… Waiting… Still waiting… Goodbye.” - Saige 

“Failed suicide attempt. Paralyzed. Suffer life.” - Anonymous 

“Jock. Nerd. Freak. Dancer. Singer. Friends?” - Ali 

“Diamond ring. Perfect wedding. Worst marriage.” - Carl 

“Lost in wilderness, he found himself.” - Daniel 

“Empty highway. Petrol light flickers. Alone.” -James Robertson 

“Congratulations! Boy or Girl?” “I’m overweight…” - Jakub Kopeć 

“First Friend. Then Lover. Lost both.”- Ney 

“Imaginary Castles. Conquered by reality warheads.” - Devendra Surolia 

“Jobless. Homeless. Hopeless. Lifeless. Game over.” - Vallyn Maartinen 

“February 14, 2011: “Table for one.” - Jennifer Sturley 

“No way, I’m the original clone!” - Gary Lu 

“Diagnosed with AIDS. Ex’s hubby doctor.” - Vaibhava 

“The war for peace. No survivors.” - Josh C 

“Two lovers. One parachute. No survivors.” -Ben Matthews 

“Unwanted boy grows into wanted man.” - Nate Christen 

“Doctor said indigestion; obituary said cancer.” - Aria Rainbams 

“Wandering Forever. No Heaven. No Hell.” - Tyler 

“Suicide note marked “return to sender.” - Grant Donohoe 

“Jailed for rape. Gets raped there.” - Rahul A 

“The same sky, but worlds apart.” - Lostspirit46 

“Dreamt we kissed. Alas, alarm clock.” - Lonely 

“Went abroad. Finally feel like home.” - Ant 

“They lived happily ever after. Separately.” - Anonymous 

“He wanted perfection, so stayed single.” - Ken Creemers 

“Successfully stole car. Busted swiping sandwich.” - Carpe Noctem 

“Lived to write. Left suicide note.” - Ellen 

“They held hands like broken glass.” - Callthesedaysprogress 

“Winter came and went, sorrow stayed.” - Bananuhboat 

“Show me the meaning of loneliness.” - Bittermens 

“Let us be little children again.” - Day-eight 

"You're my certain kind of sadness." - Epifidemic 

"Recovery never really ends, does it?" - Anonymous 

“We all have our own movie.” - Pennyslife 

“Born defective, then broken, attempting repair.” - TaNkGirrrl 

“Life's prison makes escape tunnels essential.” - BanjoDan 

“Most likely to succeed shot himself.” - Loveall 

“Dreamt of flying. Crashed into reality.” - Sunit Khot 

“Night of fun. Life of regret.” - Holly J 

“If you’re rich, I am single.” - Wendy 

“Super cheap guitar; no strings attached!” - S. M. Orges 

“Amnesiac awakens: Who am I today?” - Matt S. 

“I’ll quit tomorrow,” then he died.” - D.s. robinette 

“I moved, but my heart stayed.” - Haley 

“Lost in fantasy, found in prison.” - Bri 

“I’ll do it tomorrow.” Tomorrow: ditto.” -Jakub Kopeć 

“Life’s meaning revealed on Twitter unnoticed.” - Matt Black 

P.S. Special thanks to www.sixwordmemoirs.com, www.sixwordstories.net and 6wordshorts.tumblr.com

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Enigma of WHY?

Is life just an endless flow of questions?


Zaka
  

There are so many imponderable things in life. As a matter of fact, life in itself can be imponderable at times. Now that sounds like a question, doesn't it? Yes, it does but what is the answer to that? And believe me therein, as the Bard would say, lies the rub. 

I spent a lot of time reflecting what will be explained in the next few lines. But the upshot is that I need some goddamn answers if I like to keep myself in the contours of sanity (well, some would say there’s an ample evidence that I have already trodden deep into the realm of insanity but that’s another argument). 

Ever wondered why there’s so many ‘WHYs’? I’m sure in each of our lives there comes a time where sundry of profound questions cross our path and left us pondering. Let us call them ‘Random questions’, which every now and anon pop up in our head. Let us assume there is a meaning to be taught and understood. 

The first question that I'm going to ask, well, to post it rather because I'm sure none of you have the apt answer or the one satisfies me anyway. 

“What part of life is truly under our control?”

While some of you would be like “Ummmmm” and others reduced to scratch their heads, I have another one that also distresses me considerably.

“If life is so short, then why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do.”

“What the hell sorta questions are these,” exclaimed one of my pals when asked. “It is just nonsense and all, go ask some goddamn philosophers,” he believes I’m nuts. 

But I gave a serious thought to that philosopher idea, though I stay away from those creatures called philosophers for they are lousy if you want to know the truth. I mean they ain't really lousy but what they usually come up with is mostly beyond my ken.
However, I did venture to ask one who happens to be a philosopher or he thinks he is. 

“You need to learn a thing or two about life, young man,” said he, evincing a look as if I were a kid before a century-year old Greek philo.
“The trick is to ask the right questions,” all he had to say taking something like five minutes to complete the reply. And in-between he screwed his eyes, tried to chew his ballpoint cap and scratched his head a great many times. On the other hand, I writhed to kill the urge not to punch him in the face.
You see! That’s why I don't get closed to philos. All he had to do is to say he doesn't know the goddamn answers. Now what’s the big deal? So many of us don't have a clue about life, but this kind of folks has to fudge just to make us look fools. Although, his notion of ‘Asking the right questions’ begs another question;

“What’s the right question?”

I could have asked it if I could bear his eccentricities but I didn't for two reasons. First, as they say ‘curiosity killed the cat’ and second; I feared if had done so, I would have knocked him out telling him “It’s all about giving the right answers,” but it would have brought me a considerable trouble. Hence, I didn’t just to be on the safe side….

When we sit with aforementioned thoughts running in our head… just as I do, sit staring at the LCD and typing these lines while thinking how many of these thoughts in my head are rational and what part can be categorized as irrational. More importantly, who decides the cusp of rationality? 

For all I know that even rational thoughts sometimes destroy our mind and soul. 

Understanding of life, knowledge, and reality leads us to plethora of questions for which there are no set answers, or such diverging opinions in the guise of answers that just raise more questions.

Had we known some of the answers, it would have done a lot to help us see life from a whole different perspective. We would have learned a great many lessons teaching us things about the world and ourselves. But the fact remains that most of them are left unanswered.

I often ask myself why there are more questions than answers. Then I tell myself perhaps the questions are more important than answers… or maybe there are certain things that we aren't supposed to know, why? Well that’s just another damn question.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Other Side of Virtual Reality

I switched my PC off and thought too much of virtual reality can be as agonizing as the reality itself. Although quixotic folks like me, and trust me there is a slew of them out there, who breath virtual reality - for they cannot bear the brunt of reality – in fact they only live in virtual space and in doing so, some of them lose touch with reality. But it doesn't matter, because an “Ultimate escape” is a goal long-desired.

If "Don Quixote" teaches us anything, it is that one can choose and exist in a reality of our own making, though in his time many believed he was out of wits. Nowadays, it ain't considered eccentric, and with all the modern tools around, they even encourage you to create and live in your utopia. 

Having said that, not many of us realize that in the search of semblance of peace, we keep running away from reality until we have engrossed deep in this phenomenon called virtual world. Don't get me wrong, I am not here to philosophize about virtual reality’s cons for it never fails to secure me from the fangs of reality.

I'd been living nine days, 17-25 September 1944, of Market-Garden in Arnhem for the past four weeks, over and over again. Fighting Jerries in the streets of Arnhem-Nijmegen, house by house and room by room. I felt how General Urquhart, commander of the 1st British Airborne Division, might have felt when he was stuck in a garret surrounded by Germans, who didn't know the brave Scot could be killed or captured. Or later, when he conveyed to the General Browning that his Division due to lack of food, ammunition and medical supplies, was on the verge and could be annihilated. 

I realized the disappointment of Colonel Frost, commander of the second battalion, whose men - after braving the severe might of II SS Panzer Corps for four days - were overwhelmed, leaving 2/3 of his Battalion in wounded and dead. For he knew Monty’s pledge of getting the second Army to Arnhem in 48 hours would never be materialized. For he knew the plan of Market-Garden was flawed and Germans’ strength was greatly underestimated. But he held the northern-end of the Arnhem bridge in over-optimism in the face of inevitability. 

As always is the case that great optimism spawns enormous disappointment. Upon return, one soldier of 1st British Airborne Division couldn’t help shouting at the second army’s, who despite their best effort only made to Nijmegen, just a couple of miles away from Arnhem where 1st British Airborne Division fought one of the bloodiest battle of the WWII, “Where the hell have you been mate?" shouted the disgruntled soldier, who waited eight days for the help of Monty’s second army.

I sensed the emotions of Captain Eric Mackay, who occupied a school building with his fifty men just a hundred yards north of the Frost’s perimeter. Under the rain of mortars and artillery fire and losing three-forth of his men, when a Jerry with a white hanky came out and uttered a single word “Surrender”, he was astonished. He thought Jerries want to surrender, though it was a bizarre thought because Mackay’s men were hemmed in. But such high was the morale of his men, that surrender never crossed his mind during the course of firefight. So it was believed Jerries want to surrender. Mackay looked around the building, their hideout, was half-destroyed. They didn't have space to lay their dead and wounded. He shouted back “Go away, you bastards, and fight. We are taking no prisoners,” and there his men erupted a barrage of fire with their small fire arms to echo their captain’s resolve.

I perceived the fright of an unknown young lad, who was laid in an attic with a pile of dead and wounded. Upon seeing Chaplain Pare, the shocked young trooper said. “Pare, will you tuck me in? I get so frightened with all the noise.” Pare had no blanket but he pretended to cover the trooper. Two hours later a medic told him the about lad, he said prayer with, just died and he wanted to tell you he couldn't stand the noise outside.

I pictured another soldier Signalman Stanley Heyes, whose company suddenly found themselves under the screeching mortars, exploding in air bursts above their heads, hurling deadly fragments in every direction. In the pandemonium, Heyes sprinted towards the woods nearby. After orienting himself, he felt another body laying beside him. He realized it was a young German, frightened and wounded. They cleaned each other wounds and remained there. Later Jerries took over the area and Heyes was taken prisoner.

By now you might be thinking I have one hell of an imagination. But if you had read a few accounts of second world war, especially Cornelius Ryan’s The Last Battle, The Longest Day and A Bridge Too Far, the most authoritative books about WWII, and had been playing this game, I'm sure you would have felt the same way provided you have imagination.

Monday, May 5, 2014

A Hopeless Struggle!

Angst,
remorse,
guilt
The companions all along
Triggered a flash of memories
amidst meaningless thoughts
And
made me numb
beneath the azure sky!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Meandering Thoughts Amid A Balmy Evening

Zaka

The sun was setting in all its splendid beauty but this sumptuous scenery only served to show me my own indifference and desolation as I perched with face hanging down to my knees.

“Is there anything romantic than the sun setting in a gilded sea?,’ mused I as the sun got closer to the hitherto calm ocean water which appeared to have stirred a tad, anticipating the kiss of a big orange fire-ball. Well, you wouldn't know the answer if you were so indifferent to your environ as me, you wouldn't know the answer if only detached ideas and impression from the world of reality shot through your mind.

Often, the time goes by unappreciated, hours evanesce like haze in the sun unobserved - as though a masterpiece of art being left unexhibited. The hustle and bustle of life has truly made us machines, which start and stop at certain times without bothering about their surroundings. We simply do not or even cannot take liberty to note the subtleness in the air and change in the climes. We don't have time to touch the first frost, appreciate the forlorn autumn, watch the sunrise in the freezing winter, glance at the crescent moon amid a warm summer's dusk, or listen to birds' tunes heralding a pleasant spring after a frigid wintertime.

This current of thoughts not only made me feel incredibly ashamed of my attitude, but also rendered me oblivious of the stunning sun which had just set in the darkling sea.
"There is so much beauty in this world," whispered I as the azure sky turned to amber-gray, "And how indifferent I am."
The seagulls' cries were no more distinct from the distant shore and the night's creatures started to emerge as the day's took their rest. Scarcely had the daylight died away, when the stars appeared as if they were waiting for their turn to exhibit their picturesqueness.

"I dun wanna go home right now," I started humming as I lay on my back and gazed into the diamond-scattered sky. A few isolated clouds were lurking as the moonlight gleamed mysteriously, for the moon, too, was trying hard to flaunt its glamour in the nature's scenery. It was one of those unique nights that offer light enough to see a long way.

"I gotta have some perspective on life, coz it's too precious to waste it," my musing was being continued. "And one can't lose, unless one gives up." As the cell phone's notification showed that someone posted something on my wall, and somewhat distracted my train of thought.
" Ah! it's the same dude - always posting inspirational stuff, I ain't interested," thought I. But then I clicked inadvertently and it displayed;
"Our limitations serve, our wounds serve, even our darkness can serve - Rachel Naomi Remen" 

Upon reading, an air of peace and serenity descended upon me as the gentle breeze wafted the sound of waves across the shore.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Stasis

Betwixt shadowy dark and luminescence 
Deep down in silence
A maddening noise echoes
And 
my blood ceases flow.

Light in the dark

“A poet is a nightingale who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds ― Percy Bysshe Shelley ”



I used to be afraid of the dark but now - outlandish as it may sound- I find comfort in it. And there is light in the dark provided you can see it. What? You can't see it? I know, most people can't, inasmuch as their eyes are blinded by excessive familiarity with the daylight, or maybe the light of dark is just beyond their ken. 
But I'm telling you there is light, and not only does it help you discover yourself, but also it gives you a whole new perspective on life. The profound subtleties and aesthetics of the dark lead you to uncover things which are apparently invisible. Little did I understand this, for - as I mentioned - I was afraid of it; hence, I couldn't able to see beyond the canopy of darkness.

Admittedly, it is not possible to fully grasp the concept of light or comeliness in the darkness, but the fact remains that even nuances of light cannot be perceived without darkness. Dark things, supposedly, are considered hideous. Many believe only inimical elements lurk in the dark. But the darkness can be captivating just as the light can be extremely grotesque. 
My argument maybe a tenuous one but there's something ineffable in the darkness that bids experience to get familiar with.


Saturday, February 15, 2014

Longing..!

If you were to come back,
Come with a century of age
For I,
do not want to live
an ephemeral life with you
again..!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Remember Me..!


Remember me
Like that letter,
of an old friend
Found lay in a book
Words
Though discolored
And,
faded
But familiar
Evoke memories
Of days gone by
Good,
bad
Sweet,
sour
Rosy,
gloomy
Cheerful,
frightful
It tells you all
And
Leaves you misty-eyed
Just remember me
Like that letter



Thursday, February 6, 2014

Ramblings of an Unstable Mind

"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” ― John Green



Last night I had the urge to shoot myself through the roof of my mouth. I had an impulse to shoot myself through the temple. It was one of those nights when you toss and turn in bed trying to fall asleep but your mind won't allow you to do so. You just lay there and ruminate, albeit you don't want to. And then you bury your head underneath the pillow and realize the true meaning of an expression we often use lightly: "I wanna die."

So, I lay awake in the pitch-dark room and longed for the word that could describe the emotions I had been going through - a cold feeling, deep down inside - when you know something ain't right. A profusion of words were being flooded in my vacant mind, but I couldn't recognize them for they were unfamiliar.

The toll has taken on me. This is who I am. It ain't who I wanted to be. I'm dead inside and nothing can be done about it. There's nothing going for me and there never will be. Yesterday, I was with some friends and I realized I'm at the end of my tether, up against the wall, so close to giving up, so near to my breaking point. Because there's only so much more I can take.

I don't know if I could talk to someone, not sure if anyone would understand either. As humans we all have dreams of great success but none of us realize that some of us are fated to fall by the wayside, and some are destined to great failures. Though it doesn't seem a way to be redeemed but if only someone provides me with a reason to live on. I might give up all I have just to breathe.