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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Ramblings of an Unstable Mind

"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” ― John Green

Last night I had the urge to shoot myself through the roof of my mouth. I had an impulse to shoot myself through the temple. It was one of those nights when you toss and turn in bed trying to fall asleep but your mind won't allow you to do so. You just lay there and ruminate, albeit you don't want to. And then you bury your head underneath the pillow and realize the true meaning of an expression we often use lightly: "I wanna die."

So, I lay awake in the pitch-dark room and longed for the word that could describe the emotions I had been going through - a cold feeling, deep down inside - when you know something ain't right. A profusion of words were being flooded in my vacant mind, but I couldn't recognize them for they were unfamiliar.

The toll has taken on me. This is who I am. It ain't who I wanted to be. I'm dead inside and nothing can be done about it. There's nothing going for me and there never will be. Yesterday, I was with some friends and I realized I'm at the end of my tether, up against the wall, so close to giving up, so near to my breaking point. Because there's only so much more I can take.

I don't know if I could talk to someone, not sure if anyone would understand either. As humans we all have dreams of great success but none of us realize that some of us are fated to fall by the wayside, and some are destined to great failures. Though it doesn't seem a way to be redeemed but if only someone provides me with a reason to live on. I might give up all I have just to breathe.

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