Fickle Stillness surrounds me as my spirit left; dark shadows engulf my soul, I am holding onto a reason that lost in the dark blue. I hop from foot to foot as nervous energy flowing through my veins. I just dared to disagree with reality.
Along the road of dreams, I walk down. Anguish consumes my soul with every step, yet still I walk and walk. Searching for something elusive, something essential that will make my life complete yet not knowing what it is. Having seen too many things come and go, I realize that the more things change the more they remain the same. I do not know whether I am thinking too much or has nature decided to tell me that the way I'm living my life, is wrong.
I have been fighting this futile war for two years now. I am fighting with myself to see what's in my heart, and what I want in this life. It's a painful feelings, holding on when you know that you are fighting a lost battle.
As the days go by, despair grows and heartache consumes my being. Sometimes I feel as if indifference is what I strive for.
Loved ones are there yet not around, they try to understand but how can they understand when I can’t fathom what is erroneous. Smiling face all around, laughing, full of glee…and yet I am standing all alone in my world….
And then I stumbled, the realm of thoughts shattered into sphere of reality. It was a small pebble but nobody trips over a mountain anyway. I realized that I walked over a mile without realizing that I am walking down this very familiar street. I glanced around; this place is still very quiet just like the old days. We used to walk here with Dad; in fact it was more of a compulsion for me and my brother because we would walk with Dad to give him a company.
My Dad is a heart patient, so he needs to walk regularly to keep his cholesterol in check. The tranquility of this street would entice us to come here. Dad would tell us his profound experiences and myths of life’s realities, though I would listen intently but most of his philosophy was way beyond my comprehension. And he knew this and used to say, you’ll understand this but in few years time.
I looked around; the old oak tree didn't seem any older today. I continued my walk, it is like a little trip down memory lane now. I vividly remember, on a hazy winter evening, Dad said,
“In life, don’t get too close to people or things that if you lost them, you couldn't live without them, and try to make peace with yourself as soon as possible”….
I'd stopped dead in my tracks “What peace… Dad?” I uttered in amazement.
“Soon you will be in war with yourself”, Dad said with a quick glance at my face. “When the situation arises, accept the realities, don’t try too hard to change something, you know you can’t. Do not dwell on past, leave yesterday behind along with all its worries and problems, always remember you can start a new tomorrow. The biggest journey is inside you. That inner journey develops your personality and inner peace is essential to this process”, he took a breather.
“People are all essentially the same, we all have, the same hopes, the same fears, the same dreams, no matter what our upbringing, no matter what our income, we all have the same capacity for happiness”, he added… then came a long interval of silence, just when I thought it’s finished.
“Don’t regret, forgive yourself for all your weaknesses and failures, to let go of your self-destructive guilt over past mistakes”, he concluded.
As darkness enfolded the misty evening, it took hold of things in no time, I turned back. Stiff with cold, the dead leaves cracked underneath my feet, making a crunchy sound which agitated the serenity of sombre evening. I realize inner peace can and will never be found outside of self but I couldn't help myself to stop fighting.