I made peace with myself...!

Zaka

Lying in the dark, listening "In the arms of the angel" for the umpteenth time as a current affairs' program anchor blared on TV next room. Some songs or scenes of movies get stuck in your head and you just can't shake them off. It's not that they are ethereal but because they profoundly reflect the state that you have been going through. 

Sarah Maclachlan's "In the arms of the angel" is one, that trapped in my mind for so long. but this may be the last time I'm listening to it. 

I don't mind admitting that I have tears in my eyes. My feelings are unexpected and I didn't really see it coming. What I know about myself is that when stuff happens to me on a personal level, I just bottle my emotions, internalize it and then bury it beneath layers of distractions and inward soul searching until it kind of gets submerged somewhere deep inside. Though at times, the intermittent waves of emotions kick the feelings of remorse, guilt and longing during sour mood spells like now and rendering me powerless to deal with it...! 

So as she sings

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it okay

There's always some reason to feel “not good enough? 

And it's hard at the end of the day 

I need some distraction or a beautiful release 

Memories seep from my veins 

Let me be empty and weightless and maybe 

I'll find some peace tonight"

I didn't live long enough but somehow felt that I spent all my time waiting for that second chance but the break never arrived that would have made it okay. Though memories have been oozing from my veins but life has always been devoid of "Distraction".

It seems like there's always something that happens which encompasses out entire attention and thus drain positive energy. I have been hoping against hope that I am strong enough to make it and I have been dragging myself forcefully from the ground every time I fell down. 

Nobody knows better than me that there's always some reason to feel not good enough. But I feel at peace now. I never knew that this century-old odd feeling of mine would vanish so fast.. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was definitely something different - something around me has changed, just ever-so-slightly... 

It took me a long time to realise that actually, something within me has changed, not anything in my surroundings. I have made peace with myself. tranquil in the knowledge that life moves on, past is left behind and nobody knows what future holds. So why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change. there is only so little I can affect and what I can't influence no matter what, should not be a concern to me. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I find myself breathing deeply and evenly for the first time in a long time. 

The war within….!!!

Zaka 

Fickle Stillness surrounds me as my spirit left; dark shadows engulf my soul, I am holding onto a reason that lost in the dark blue. I hop from foot to foot as nervous energy flowing through my veins. I just dared to disagree with reality. 

Along the road of dreams, I walk down. Anguish consumes my soul with every step, yet still I walk and walk. Searching for something elusive, something essential that will make my life complete yet not knowing what it is. Having seen too many things come and go, I realize that the more things change the more they remain the same. I do not know whether I am thinking too much or has nature decided to tell me that the way I'm living my life, is wrong. 

I have been fighting this futile war for two years now. I am fighting with myself to see what's in my heart, and what I want in this life. It's a painful feelings, holding on when you know that you are fighting a lost battle. 

As the days go by, despair grows and heartache consumes my being. Sometimes I feel as if indifference is what I strive for. 

Loved ones are there yet not around, they try to understand but how can they understand when I can’t fathom what is erroneous. Smiling face all around, laughing, full of glee…and yet I am standing all alone in my world…. 

And then I stumbled, the realm of thoughts shattered into sphere of reality. It was a small pebble but nobody trips over a mountain anyway. I realized that I walked over a mile without realizing that I am walking down this very familiar street. I glanced around; this place is still very quiet just like the old days. We used to walk here with Dad; in fact it was more of a compulsion for me and my brother because we would walk with Dad to give him a company. 

My Dad is a heart patient, so he needs to walk regularly to keep his cholesterol in check. The tranquility of this street would entice us to come here. Dad would tell us his profound experiences and myths of life’s realities, though I would listen intently but most of his philosophy was way beyond my comprehension. And he knew this and used to say, you’ll understand this but in few years time. 

I looked around; the old oak tree didn't seem any older today. I continued my walk, it is like a little trip down  memory lane now. I vividly remember, on a hazy winter evening, Dad said, 

“In life, don’t get too close to people or things that if you lost them, you couldn't live without them, and try to make peace with yourself as soon as possible”…. 

I'd stopped dead in my tracks “What peace… Dad?” I uttered in amazement. 

“Soon you will be in war with yourself”, Dad said with a quick glance at my face. “When the situation arises, accept the realities, don’t try too hard to change something, you know you can’t. Do not dwell on past, leave yesterday behind along with all its worries and problems, always remember you can start a new tomorrow. The biggest journey is inside you. That inner journey develops your personality and inner peace is essential to this process”, he took a breather. 

“People are all essentially the same, we all have, the same hopes, the same fears, the same dreams, no matter what our upbringing, no matter what our income, we all have the same capacity for happiness”, he added… then came a long interval of silence, just when I thought it’s finished. 

“Don’t regret, forgive yourself for all your weaknesses and failures, to let go of your self-destructive guilt over past mistakes”, he concluded. 

As darkness enfolded the misty evening, it took hold of  things in no time, I turned back. Stiff with cold, the dead leaves cracked underneath my feet, making a crunchy sound which agitated the serenity of sombre evening. I realize inner peace can and will never be found outside of self but I couldn't help myself to stop fighting.

Resolutions, Why bother?

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Zaka

It’s the time of the year when people tend to get a bit introspective, analyze their past and make resolutions for New Year. Does anything wrong with that? Absolutely no, as long as you are sincere to bring changes in your life. So my New Year resolution is not to make any this time around, because I wasn't able to fulfill all I’ve made in the years gone by. I am not a wimp (at least I think so) but maybe I don't have passion to change my life or myself.

I believe New Year Resolutions is just a fashion, even though more and more people are inclined to make resolutions than ever, a lot of people who make new years resolutions do break them. 

What’s the point of making these when you know that life is so unpredictable? Who would have thought this time last year all the changes we have witnessed over the course of the year? Indeed 2011 was a hell of a year, wasn't it?

Though 2011 taught me how circumstances force individual to adapt, somehow I developed fear of future, yeah!!! I am afraid of future now. So I want to seize 2011. This is a hard place to be in, but a friend of mine who is much older than me, told me these feelings are normal and natural, and while not everyone articulates them like this, or even recognizes or admits it, everyone feels this way at some point.

While writing these lines, I hardly got a thought of 2012 and 12 months that have passed are very much dominating my mind. I am wondering what if there were no 2012? I know it sounds pretty preposterous but what if 2011 was perennial? or we stop counting the days and measuring the time. Did you ever wonder a calender-less life? 

It wouldn't make much difference, would it? everything would happen as usual, the parties, sports, marriages, births and deaths, but we would feel much relieved without the sword of time... ah! I got too far with my fantasy.

well! There’s always next year, so let's hope it changes something, and brings peace and happiness for us all.

Happy New Year.