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Friday, May 25, 2012

I made peace with myself...!


Lying in the dark, listening "In the arms of the angel" for the umpteenth time as a current affairs' program anchor blared on TV next room. Some songs or scenes of movies get stuck in your head and you just can't shake them off. It's not that they are ethereal but because they profoundly reflect the state that you have been going through. 

Sarah Maclachlan's "In the arms of the angel" is one, that trapped in my mind for so long. but this may be the last time I'm listening to it. 

I don't mind admitting that I have tears in my eyes. My feelings are unexpected and I didn't really see it coming. What I know about myself is that when stuff happens to me on a personal level, I just bottle my emotions, internalize it and then bury it beneath layers of distractions and inward soul searching until it kind of gets submerged somewhere deep inside. Though at times, the intermittent waves of emotions kick the feelings of remorse, guilt and longing during sour mood spells like now and rendering me powerless to deal with it...! 

So as she sings

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough? 
And it's hard at the end of the day 
I need some distraction or a beautiful release 
Memories seep from my veins 
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe 
I'll find some peace tonight"

I didn't live long enough but somehow felt that I spent all my time waiting for that second chance but the break never arrived that would have made it okay. Though memories have been oozing from my veins but life has always been devoid of "Distraction".

It seems like there's always something that happens which encompasses out entire attention and thus drain positive energy. I have been hoping against hope that I am strong enough to make it and I have been dragging myself forcefully from the ground every time I fell down. 

Nobody knows better than me that there's always some reason to feel not good enough. But I feel at peace now. I never knew that this century-old odd feeling of mine would vanish so fast.. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was definitely something different - something around me has changed, just ever-so-slightly... 

It took me a long time to realise that actually, something within me has changed, not anything in my surroundings. I have made peace with myself. tranquil in the knowledge that life moves on, past is left behind and nobody knows what future holds. So why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change. there is only so little I can affect and what I can't influence no matter what, should not be a concern to me. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I find myself breathing deeply and evenly for the first time in a long time. 

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