Broken thoughts

Physically disconnected from the world - I haven’t shaved my face for almost two weeks. Dizzy and flustered - I’m feeling like a soldier who’s in his first battle – sleep deprived and occupied by thoughts of fear. Fear of unknown, and what’s there? Who is there? Beyond that intangible line. One step beyond that line which resembles the line dividing the living from the dead, lies uncertainty, suffering and death. No one knows, but one wants to know. You fear and yet long to cross that line, and know that sooner or later it must be learned what lies on the other side of death. 

On my terrace, as if searching for something, I gaze into the distance, at the horizon and at the sun. How beautiful the sky looks. How blue, calm and how deep. How bright and glorious is the setting sun. There was peace and happiness. I should wish for nothing else, nothing if only I were there. But here in this world, there’s so much suffering, fear and uncertainty, like everyone is running somewhere and nobody knows where. I don’t know if I should run with them.

At this instant, sun began to hide behind the clouds. And the fear of uncertainty and love of life all melded into one feeling of sickening agitation.

You have to fall before you can fly...!

Zaka

In yesteryear, I have learned that while facts may be facts, if you ask enough questions and explore enough options you can find a way around seemingly unchanging situation. But at the moment, however, I seem to have exhausted my options. I need to forget about seeking ways to avoid certain matters and simply accept things as they are.

I used to pride myself on being bold, courageous and able to cope with all of life’s challenges. Yet at the moment I am feeling unusually sentimental - if not emotionally vulnerable. I’ve been thinking about making changes in my way of living or working, or perhaps both. While I have explored various options. No single plan has lasted. I hate to admit my life has been a dircetionless mess. I need time to figure out all the mess in my life that has been created by none other than myslef. I kind of realized that something needed to be recognized. What am I doing? Do I like doing this or like being here? Does this make me happy?

Being under pressure to make decisions is no fun, and if these involve the structure of your life. You have to ensure you do the right things. 

I make mistakes - in fact it won't be wrong to say that it has become a sort of habit. I let the opportunities go and then regret later. They say once in a life time opportunity stares you in the face saying grab it as you running out of time and I will not be there if you act later. And when that happened, you feel like man who realized that he led himself to a dead end. But then hope is that beaconing bird that you see in a hopeless situation. 
Sometimes a crisis becomes a biggest asset. A dead-end street could just be a place to turn around. There's always another day or so they say.

A Tale of An August Evening

Zaka

On the stony fence, I sat in silence, thinking of nothing. Just staring at the changing tide and listening to the crushing waves. 

"So what makes these waves so determined?", a thought popped up in my head as with every attempt, the waves tried to achieve new heights - rise and fall - then rise again... "They never fail to rise again", mused I.

"Can I sit here"... said an old man with a cane - pointing towards one of the wooden bench behind the stony fence. This row of wooden-benches was installed few days ago.

"Yeah...!! since I don't claim the ownership, so you know", I was being rude. His interference didn't go down well with me.

"I didn't say you do", he chuckled. By ignoring my impertinence, his desire to strike up a conversation was obvious.

"Lonely oldies", thought I.

"You too, are alone or what?", he said as if he had read my thoughts.

"Is it a question or observation. Should I walk away. This man seems weird", just in a second, a plethora of thoughts crossed my mind. I turned my face towards the sea assuming that looking in his eyes could open up my mind again to him. We sat in silence. Though I tried to relate my thoughts with the waves but there was something in my heart wouldn't allow me to do so. I was more interested in supposed things happening behind my back.

"Isn't it weird how a seemingly innocuous remark distracts you or gets you in a stew", I thought. "I'm certainly thinking too much, didn't have the best of time of late. That made me even more insecure", I took a deep breath that somewhat broke the shackles of my thoughts.

"What makes you think that I'm lonely?", I summoned some courage to ask, because I didn't want a conversation, especially with a weird old man.

"ahaa you back"...

"Oh really", I turned back, "I was never gone", I peered at him.

"Oh sure you were, long gone. Somewhere with those waves yonder", he peered back.

"What are you mister", I thought.

"To see a young man sitting alone along the beach and think he's a loner", he shrugged "It's a no-brainer"...

"Sitting alone doesn't mean that someone is a loner"...

"You see that old man and those young folks", he said as my vision followed the traces of an imaginary line he just drew with his forefinger. The old man was sitting about 50 feet off us - gazing at the horizon. He seemed engrossed in his thoughts. And on the beach, a bunch of guys was frolicking away the cool August evening.

"The old man is just another pathetic being like me who is living with memories - only memories. While on the other side those young folks like you, are in the process of making those memories", added he. "As you're sitting alone in a wonderful evening, I can say you are drifted from your path if not lost", he tittered.

"Hmmmm Life well-spent Mr. Weird. You know a lot about life", I thought.

"Well that is a pretty flimsy evidence", I smirked assuming the air of sassiness again. "Being young doesn't necessarily mean you ought to be with a crowd. Sometimes one needs to spend some time with oneself. I like to walk alone on the beach or sit and watch the sun kissing the choppy water".

"Maybe you have an old soul then", he winked.

I rolled my eyes then laughed, and he joined in. He doesn't seem much weird now. 

"So you have an aversion to people". he whispered after a moment of quiet.

"Nope, I'm not what you thinking". 

"He must have been a chatterbox in his younger days" I said to myself.

"What am I thinking?".

"Misanthropic"...

"Then what's it?"...

"Let me say I'm just shy of people. I do spend some time with them, but believe most of them are hypocrites"...

"You are a cynic?"...

"Guilty"...

"What do you do?"..

"Journo"....

"Interesting", he nodded, "I have a question for you. Would you say people are inherently good or bad?"..

"I think they are just people. What they do - makes them good or bad"..

"Exactly", he nodded again, "A moment of compassion even in a hypocrite can give meaning to a life. Life can bring about many dreary and unbearable experiences, but we don't quit living with the exception of few of course. It is like walking, when you take a tumble, you get up but don't stop walking. if someone wasn’t trustworthy, this doesn't mean that the whole world isn't?
There's only one way to seek out the truth about folks and that is to refrain from any sort of prejudice. Only then you will discover who is reliable and who isn’t", he tapped my shoulder and walked away. The dusk was falling as I saw his shadowy figure dwindled away in the gloom.

Crucify

In the bastille of ego,
I'm the guilty rebel
Who was crucified, 
By advocates of love

An Escapist

Zaka

In Search of "Me",
Who no longer exists
I wander around aimlessly
And,
I ain't alone
So many lost souls
I can now see
Some wishing to be found,
Others, resigned to their fate
Of living in this disillusioned domain

I feel fed up 
The everyday life,
Is just so mundane
I feel as if I'm stuck in a labyrinth
I used to have an idea of where I stand
But
Now 

The idea has slipped right out of my hands

It is getting harder to connect the dots
How long
Am I willing to wait
Is this just the beginning
Or is it the end
Is my soul really lost
Or was it never there at all
I give up

Want an escape
Let my fantasies overthrow reality
I'm going to walk into the station
Buy a ticket to an alien destination
Where,
I can just be me....!!!

Unstoppable

By Zaka

In the darkest hour of night
By the window
I sat
Listening to the sound 
Of the heart
That beats
Tirelessly
For ages
But now,
This heart
Should rest awhile....!!

10 singns that you’re mad about football

Zaka

1. You tweet while watching the game as if an expert in the commentator’s box.
2. You question almost every ref decision especially that goes against your side.
3. You suggest teams and strategies to your manager before games.
4. You rant and rave about underperforming players. And point out who should be sold or bought in the summer.
5. Upon losing, you always come up with some sort of excuse to defend your club.
6. You always find time to take the piss out of your opponents' supporters.
7. You take your kit on holidays on the off chance of a game.
8. Jerseys be found in your closet and your room walls are covered with your favorite players’ pictures.
9. You use football terminologies in real life and ordinary folks think you are nuts.
10. In the off-season, you feel as if something is missing from your life.

Antisocial or Selectively Social

Zaka

“Actually you’re……”, she said and then turned away as I rolled my eyes. Seconds later, she turned back as if contemplating whether to say what she wanted or not.

"Hmmmmmm", I gave her a frigid glare, because I had not wanted to indulge in any kind of conversation.

“You’re not like the others”, seemed she mustered some courage.

“So what?”, terse as ever I was. "I don't wanna be"...

“You need to be a tad more social”... whispered she.

“Did I ever say or suggest anything to you or the others?" Before she could even have a thought. 

"NOPE", snarled I.

“The problem ain’t being being social or not - the problem is that you people just don't mind your own business. Always try to poke your nose in other’s affairs. Take for instance, this uncalled-for conversation you picked up for no reason and to make it even more loathsome, you don’t have the gall to say what you really wanted to say”. I bluntly conveyed what I felt about.

With a sheepish smile, She turned around and just as she started to trudge...  

“And one more thing”, my uncharacteristically aloud tone made her stop but she preferred not to turn back as if knew that not much pleasurable was coming her way.

“I ain't here to be what people want me to be. Accept people the way they are. Nobody is here to make others happy”, I sneered.

Conceited, haughty, arrogant blah blah blah - people have been saying all of me. Of course behind my back. Do I care? Heck no, but sometimes I do get curious to know why do they?

I have no issues interacting with people and I can get through social situations just fine. But, I have no desire to hang out. I don't try to fit in. Whenever I have to explain this to someone, they say "social anxiety disorder". I, for one, don't believe that is the case. I don't get panic attacks while in public places, although when I am in public gatherings - more often than not, I feel detached from others. I'm very quiet in social settings and sometimes I just hate socializing. 

It is obvious that this world is a an extrovert's playground. Most people of my age like to party. But really it's okay not to go to parties. This doesn't make you freak. I am a totally different person than anyone else I know and people often don't get me. I know word "Hate" sounds bad. So I'd only say I don't like people. It is just so draining for me to blab with people. Therefore, I avoid them. I'd rather be asleep in my bed than to contribute to a conversation I don't give a damn about.

At times, I feel like one of those little kids who run away from the others just to play by themselves. I wasn't antisocial in school days. However, it was completely different "Me" when I started going to university. And I still can't figure it out why? I know it would be hard to go through life being sort of semi-isolated but I can't help it.

Extreme Random

“WTF is he writing, this horoscope thing is crap?”, I sling the magazine.

I've been so clueless of late. I quit my job, I thought I hate my job but as it turned out, it was the employer. I love my profession. Maybe I have rediscovered my love for it in the past week. Sharapova lost yet another final to Serena, god I hate Serena so much. I ain't racist btw…. yeah I was talking about my love for journalism. I think I should start anew. 4 years period for your 1st job is enough anyway. Btw I got a call already from an electronic media. 

TV is full of shit these days or is it just got boring coz I have nothing to do these days and I lost my love for gaming also, maybe coz I’m missing my buddy. We ain't on speaking terms. My feet fingers got better, y’know I’m so allergy-prone. Yeah so if I’m gonna join this news channel, then I have gotta work in shifts and I can't do that.. 

The past couple of weeks I have had extreme trouble sleeping. First it started as just me frequently waking up in the middle of the night, and waking up too early in the morning. Is it insomnia or what? Usually when I go to bed, I start out by thinking about anything then my mind kinda drifts off and I fall asleep. But these days, when I close my eyes, my mind starts going through a bunch of random thoughts that have nothing to do with anything. Random images pop into my head and I think of just really spontaneous, random things, and after a while of this I become aware that I'm not asleep and my mind is going through all those random thoughts, then I get freaked out coz I don't know why it's happening. 

Right now, it's almost midnight, and I'm wide awake. You must be wondering what shit is this? Actually, I post this crap on twitter usually but I’m posting it here just tell myself what kinda idiot I am.