Antisocial or Selectively Social

Zaka

“Actually you’re……”, she said and then turned away as I rolled my eyes. Seconds later, she turned back as if contemplating whether to say what she wanted or not.

"Hmmmmmm", I gave her a frigid glare, because I had not wanted to indulge in any kind of conversation.

“You’re not like the others”, seemed she mustered some courage.

“So what?”, terse as ever I was. "I don't wanna be"...

“You need to be a tad more social”... whispered she.

“Did I ever say or suggest anything to you or the others?" Before she could even have a thought. 

"NOPE", snarled I.

“The problem ain’t being being social or not - the problem is that you people just don't mind your own business. Always try to poke your nose in other’s affairs. Take for instance, this uncalled-for conversation you picked up for no reason and to make it even more loathsome, you don’t have the gall to say what you really wanted to say”. I bluntly conveyed what I felt about.

With a sheepish smile, She turned around and just as she started to trudge...  

“And one more thing”, my uncharacteristically aloud tone made her stop but she preferred not to turn back as if knew that not much pleasurable was coming her way.

“I ain't here to be what people want me to be. Accept people the way they are. Nobody is here to make others happy”, I sneered.

Conceited, haughty, arrogant blah blah blah - people have been saying all of me. Of course behind my back. Do I care? Heck no, but sometimes I do get curious to know why do they?

I have no issues interacting with people and I can get through social situations just fine. But, I have no desire to hang out. I don't try to fit in. Whenever I have to explain this to someone, they say "social anxiety disorder". I, for one, don't believe that is the case. I don't get panic attacks while in public places, although when I am in public gatherings - more often than not, I feel detached from others. I'm very quiet in social settings and sometimes I just hate socializing. 

It is obvious that this world is a an extrovert's playground. Most people of my age like to party. But really it's okay not to go to parties. This doesn't make you freak. I am a totally different person than anyone else I know and people often don't get me. I know word "Hate" sounds bad. So I'd only say I don't like people. It is just so draining for me to blab with people. Therefore, I avoid them. I'd rather be asleep in my bed than to contribute to a conversation I don't give a damn about.

At times, I feel like one of those little kids who run away from the others just to play by themselves. I wasn't antisocial in school days. However, it was completely different "Me" when I started going to university. And I still can't figure it out why? I know it would be hard to go through life being sort of semi-isolated but I can't help it.

Extreme Random

“WTF is he writing, this horoscope thing is crap?”, I sling the magazine.

I've been so clueless of late. I quit my job, I thought I hate my job but as it turned out, it was the employer. I love my profession. Maybe I have rediscovered my love for it in the past week. Sharapova lost yet another final to Serena, god I hate Serena so much. I ain't racist btw…. yeah I was talking about my love for journalism. I think I should start anew. 4 years period for your 1st job is enough anyway. Btw I got a call already from an electronic media. 

TV is full of shit these days or is it just got boring coz I have nothing to do these days and I lost my love for gaming also, maybe coz I’m missing my buddy. We ain't on speaking terms. My feet fingers got better, y’know I’m so allergy-prone. Yeah so if I’m gonna join this news channel, then I have gotta work in shifts and I can't do that.. 

The past couple of weeks I have had extreme trouble sleeping. First it started as just me frequently waking up in the middle of the night, and waking up too early in the morning. Is it insomnia or what? Usually when I go to bed, I start out by thinking about anything then my mind kinda drifts off and I fall asleep. But these days, when I close my eyes, my mind starts going through a bunch of random thoughts that have nothing to do with anything. Random images pop into my head and I think of just really spontaneous, random things, and after a while of this I become aware that I'm not asleep and my mind is going through all those random thoughts, then I get freaked out coz I don't know why it's happening. 

Right now, it's almost midnight, and I'm wide awake. You must be wondering what shit is this? Actually, I post this crap on twitter usually but I’m posting it here just tell myself what kinda idiot I am.

All Alone

Zaka

Holding hands with myself

Digging the darkness in my mind

I’m standing here

Watching

As a lonely cloud floats by

I’m going to walk alone

On this long and winding road

I always walk alone

Because,

I’m alone

All by myself

In this crowded world

I got my own little world

And

I share my world with no one else

I’m going to stay to myself

Because

I’m scared

I can’t face tomorrow

I stumbled over every obstacle

Life has thrown at me

Vagaries of life

Failures

Bewilderedness

Regrets

Troubles

I’m going to leave behind

By walking alone

Even if I am

Not sure

Where it is taking me

And

Not sure

If I care

I’m going to walk

All alone

Deluding Oneself

Zaka 

Do you lie to yourself? 

"No", few would utter right way if asked. Some would stutter before saying "Yes" with a face depicting self-pity. Others, like me would tell you that at times, they do lie to themselves. They could tell you that honesty isn't synonymous with truth. And baleful realities along with your imperfections sometimes leave you no choice but to deceive yourself a bit. 

Aren’t we supposed to be honest with others and more importantly with ourselves? Aren’t we supposed to look in the mirror and see our flaws? Perhaps, but we simply don't; at least some of the time. 

Self deception has a number of different forms and is a tricky thing to discuss. It involves mysterious forces that keep us from acknowledging a bitter truth about ourselves. Such threatening truths might be that we aren’t what we are portraying, or we actually don’t have what it takes to model professionally regardless of what our mentor or parents say or think. 

When people lie to themselves can it be innocent? This is a seemingly innocent activity, isn't it? In many occasions it only affects the person with the false beliefs, and sometimes even then does not negatively affect the person. In fact, it makes you more positive towards life. 

"If we believe we're smarter or more talented, sometimes we sort of are", say the scientists. "When we tell ourselves we're good at something, we gain confidence, and then we may get better at doing that very thing, winning friends and influencing people, or so goes the reasoning." 

I fantasize a lot. I have been doing this since, well ever since I can remember. This situation has happened repeatedly in my life with judgments on skills level to things I believe I desire or could do without. To be honest, I use it as a coping mechanism to deal with problems bigger than me, bigger than my capabilities. And this daydreaming or wishful thinking, whatever you call it - has helped me a great deal to stay positive, to be on the right track. I believe sometimes when the situation gets unbearable, you've to lie to yourself to keep things on an even keel, or else you could easily find yourself on psychiatrist’s couch. 

The apparent sweet spot of self-deception is to accentuate the positive and "block out" the negative—while, at the same time, not letting yourself spiral out of control into thinking you don't actually need to do anything, you're perfect just the way you are, because unfortunately, no one is perfect. I mean, we're all fabulous, but we can also be better, right? 

Self-deception isn’t a bad thing as long as you don’t lose touch with reality. But finding a balance is difficult and this perilous tightrope-walk cannot go on endlessly. So what is the way forward? Maybe as S.E. Hinton said "“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.” 

In the labyrinth of addled mind

Zaka 

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between ― Sylvia Plath ”

No matter how passionate you might be about your life, you may find yourself dragging once in a while and if you don’t make an effort to address it right away,  you could wake up one day and realize months have gone by and you’re still stuck….! 

Doing nothing often gives me too much time to ponder things that I would rather shove into the mental trash bin, where we tend to put unfinished businesses for an appropriate time. The lack of motivation, direction or the feeling that everything doesn’t seem to go right, all bring me to a state called mood swings. It is quite a familiar territory for me, where the mind moves to-and-fro looking for a temporary refuge. There is no permanent dwelling for the mental state, it wanders looking for peace it may never find. 

Our mind has enough explosives to demolish every tendril of its thoughts and yet we leave the doors of mental faculties ajar and accumulate unwanted provocations. Is there any way to keep the adversary thoughts at bay? 

The core of our wellbeing perhaps depends on our ability to flush out unwanted feelings; albeit, it is easy to say than doing it. In such state of mental demolition only one thing can save you. Embark on the road of selfishness. The mental stress disappears when you only have to think of yourself and the rest can burn in the eternal fires. Giving yourself a priority and not the welfare of others restrict the traffic to the channel of thoughts. It should not be exactly a one-way street but a few barriers on the right places can pay a good dividend or a certain degree of selfishness may be the only way forward when the roof threatens to cave in, After all, you mend your fence first before you consider fixing your neighbor’s. 

Sometimes, it pays to give the pendulum a rest. When the wild swings that knocks the hell out of the sides stops, you begin to see things in their proper perspective. While we cannot completely disregard family obligations and professional problems, at least they can stay in the queue for a while. 

In a nutshell, there is no obvious remedy and that’s why they keep building hospitals that have the back entrance to the cemeteries. At least the final destination is peaceful, or so we hope it would be. As for me, I am caught between selfishness and consideration for others, a limbo that many of us are trapped in. 

Midnight Moon

Zaka

The solemn hour of midnight

While everyone was sleeping,
I wandered on a forlorn street
Breaking through the wandering clouds
The moon too,
Was out for a midnight stroll
Moving nonchalantly like growing old
Tonight,
Moon isn't the same moon, neither the night
She seemed lonely and sad
I wondered,
Does she get lonely among millions of stars?
I heard murmuring up there in the high
Standing all by herself,
The moon whispered
Among the countless stars,
I stand alone
It just isn't fair
I have been wandering,
Through time
Seeking someone out,
To be mine
Yet,
I never found my soul-mate
I may never will
But,
In the endless skies,
My search goes on

I made peace with myself...!

Zaka

Lying in the dark, listening "In the arms of the angel" for the umpteenth time as a current affairs' program anchor blared on TV next room. Some songs or scenes of movies get stuck in your head and you just can't shake them off. It's not that they are ethereal but because they profoundly reflect the state that you have been going through. 

Sarah Maclachlan's "In the arms of the angel" is one, that trapped in my mind for so long. but this may be the last time I'm listening to it. 

I don't mind admitting that I have tears in my eyes. My feelings are unexpected and I didn't really see it coming. What I know about myself is that when stuff happens to me on a personal level, I just bottle my emotions, internalize it and then bury it beneath layers of distractions and inward soul searching until it kind of gets submerged somewhere deep inside. Though at times, the intermittent waves of emotions kick the feelings of remorse, guilt and longing during sour mood spells like now and rendering me powerless to deal with it...! 

So as she sings

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it okay

There's always some reason to feel “not good enough? 

And it's hard at the end of the day 

I need some distraction or a beautiful release 

Memories seep from my veins 

Let me be empty and weightless and maybe 

I'll find some peace tonight"

I didn't live long enough but somehow felt that I spent all my time waiting for that second chance but the break never arrived that would have made it okay. Though memories have been oozing from my veins but life has always been devoid of "Distraction".

It seems like there's always something that happens which encompasses out entire attention and thus drain positive energy. I have been hoping against hope that I am strong enough to make it and I have been dragging myself forcefully from the ground every time I fell down. 

Nobody knows better than me that there's always some reason to feel not good enough. But I feel at peace now. I never knew that this century-old odd feeling of mine would vanish so fast.. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was definitely something different - something around me has changed, just ever-so-slightly... 

It took me a long time to realise that actually, something within me has changed, not anything in my surroundings. I have made peace with myself. tranquil in the knowledge that life moves on, past is left behind and nobody knows what future holds. So why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change. there is only so little I can affect and what I can't influence no matter what, should not be a concern to me. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I find myself breathing deeply and evenly for the first time in a long time. 

Sigh of Sadness

Zaka

Horizon shines in the evening

I am waiting for another time to come

When Sun gets orange

A gentle breeze stirs the fallen leaves to make a hollow sound

Like a violin,

playing haunting melody

My eyes get cloudy  

I breathe a sigh of sadness

There are wounds that just don't heal

But,

there was a time when nothing mattered

There were dreams, once seemed so real

It all seems so long ago now

Things, not flowing well for my dream

The more I push,

the worse the situation becomes

Unexpected barriers are hidden all around

I often make mistakes in confusion

And have little progression

I have tried so hard to keep myself from falling

If I could go back in time

But it won't change anything

'cause People change and dreams get shattered 

But,

there was a time....!

Poison Thoughts

Zaka

Thoughts, sometimes are more harmful than a dagger

As they come in a stream

Tearing me apart

And the tears find its way to eyes

You couldn't imagine the emptiness,

of a man whose thoughts burning him like acid

Anger, guilt and regrets Invade me

As if something could have prevented what had happened

In search of perfect punishment for my numerous imperfections

I need an escape

I am afraid to live

Fading like a smoke ring

Nothing stays the same,

Nothing will last

I know I can't hold

These thoughts burning me

And,

It will burn me to ashes